Column from Valentine's Day 2001
2-15-01
Ok, well, we all just survived another Valentine's Day, but I have to admit, it got me thinking. There were a few poor souls who may have had a rough time of it. Yes, of course, I'm talking about all the celebrities who broke up fairly recently. Can't remember them all? My pleasure. There was Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, Janet Jackson and that DeBarge fellow, Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche, Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid, Puffy and Jennifer Lopez, and Tom and Nicole. Hell, even Hugh Hefner broke up with his wife just a year or so ago. Of course, now he has like, seven girlfriends who ALL sleep in the same bed with him, so I don't know, that's sort of different. And you know, some of these couples really really seemed like they would work. I mean, maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, because I really thought Liz Taylor and that construction worker guy had a chance, and that didn't work out, but I don't know, I'll keep dreaming. One interesting thing is that due to the two lesbian breakups, the pool of eligible FEMALE celebrities increased more than the pool of eligible male celebrities. That's good for everybody, but especially lesbians. Yay! You go girls!
If you know me, well, you know the break up closest to my heart is Tom and Nicole. Now, first off, those of you who know me from way way back (and who doesn't, really?) know that my wife went to High School with Nicole Kidman, so over the years we have had some contact, with some picnics in the summer, barbecues, a trip to the Sundance festival where we met Dom DeLuise, etc., and one time in 1993 they stayed over at our house when they were trying to keep a low profile while sliding through Kansas City. Now, I have to tell you, I am really upset about all this talk they have had in the press over Tom and Nicole being secretly gay. I have partied with these people, played Outburst, gotten drunk on Fuzzy Navels and Long Island Iced Tea, and had my share of intimate moments with them. Sure, the subject of SWINGING came up, as it does with all young, vibrant, attractive couples who have had a close relationship with another such couple. Yes, we DID talk about the whole couple swap thing, Me, Nic, Tom and Kim. Kim thinks his teeth are too big, and Nic prefers smaller men, if you know what I mean, but I have to tell you, whenever that came up, they were both very adamant about no BI stuff. Simply one on one swapping with the opposite sex, so really, I KNOW. They are straight as can be, and just damn good people to boot. Oh, did the swap happen, well, I'm not one to gossip, and we'll leave it at that.
But you know, they DO have it rough, the celebrities. And they have no choice. They have to hook up, hard as it is to keep a relationship going in that star-studded, award show hopping, workaday world. They have to give it a shot and hook up, as we all do, because everybody NEEDS somebody. And most people find somebody, which is MORE amazing, if you think about it. I was watching the big dog show the other day on TV and the woman who judged the final, the "Best Of Show," well, no offense, but I thought she was a man, baby! I was like, "Are they in Scotland? Is that a kilt, or whatever?" Then I noticed she had a George Washington hairdo, and a puffy pirate shirt. Was there some type of Revolutionary War Transvestite theme going on? Last time I saw a shirt like that, Jerry Seinfeld had been tricked into wearing one by a 'low-talker.' But hey, more power to her, and she's obviously done well for herself. There she was on the TV. They don't just let any yahoo on TV, right? And especially around that many live animals, but...I thought, she's probably got somebody somewhere who loves her, and somebody kisses her and says, "I love you." I mean, you and I may look at ugly people kissing and go "Ewww," but those ugly people are looking at each other going, "Alright!" (Thanks to Garry Shandling for that bit.) Somebody kisses this woman. It may be her Pomeranian, but it's somebody, you know? Some THING that loves this person. Everybody needs somebody, and everyone likes to hear "I love you." Everyone can love somebody and be loved by somebody.
How many of the world's problems could be solved with a simple, "I love you." Think about how good it feels to hear those words from someone for the first time. When they just come up to you and say "I love you," or "I'm in love with you." It feels good, you blush a bit, kind of feel all goofy inside. Sure, it's not as good as someone saying, "I NEED to kiss you RIGHT now!" which is pretty damn good, but hey, it's pretty sweet, huh? And you know I've heard that NEED to kiss you line plenty of times...at the circus... but anyway...
Back to my point. Say you're a world leader and you are in a dispute with another country. You could go to war, sure, but what if, just what IF, you called the leader of the other country and said, you know, "I love you," or better yet, "I'm IN love with you,'" or even, the "I NEED to kiss you RIGHT now." Who KNOWS what could happen, right? It would at least be distracting for a bit, give you time to line up your troops on the border, or whatever.
So anyway, as another Valentine's Day has slipped by, don't think it's too late. Go grab someone, maybe even someone you don't even care for that much, pull them close, so they can feel your breath, look them in the eye and say it - I love you.
I'm telling you, anything can happen. On that note, let me just pull on out of here by saying, well, Hey YOU, yeah YOU! I love you.
Ok, well, we all just survived another Valentine's Day, but I have to admit, it got me thinking. There were a few poor souls who may have had a rough time of it. Yes, of course, I'm talking about all the celebrities who broke up fairly recently. Can't remember them all? My pleasure. There was Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, Janet Jackson and that DeBarge fellow, Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche, Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid, Puffy and Jennifer Lopez, and Tom and Nicole. Hell, even Hugh Hefner broke up with his wife just a year or so ago. Of course, now he has like, seven girlfriends who ALL sleep in the same bed with him, so I don't know, that's sort of different. And you know, some of these couples really really seemed like they would work. I mean, maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, because I really thought Liz Taylor and that construction worker guy had a chance, and that didn't work out, but I don't know, I'll keep dreaming. One interesting thing is that due to the two lesbian breakups, the pool of eligible FEMALE celebrities increased more than the pool of eligible male celebrities. That's good for everybody, but especially lesbians. Yay! You go girls!
If you know me, well, you know the break up closest to my heart is Tom and Nicole. Now, first off, those of you who know me from way way back (and who doesn't, really?) know that my wife went to High School with Nicole Kidman, so over the years we have had some contact, with some picnics in the summer, barbecues, a trip to the Sundance festival where we met Dom DeLuise, etc., and one time in 1993 they stayed over at our house when they were trying to keep a low profile while sliding through Kansas City. Now, I have to tell you, I am really upset about all this talk they have had in the press over Tom and Nicole being secretly gay. I have partied with these people, played Outburst, gotten drunk on Fuzzy Navels and Long Island Iced Tea, and had my share of intimate moments with them. Sure, the subject of SWINGING came up, as it does with all young, vibrant, attractive couples who have had a close relationship with another such couple. Yes, we DID talk about the whole couple swap thing, Me, Nic, Tom and Kim. Kim thinks his teeth are too big, and Nic prefers smaller men, if you know what I mean, but I have to tell you, whenever that came up, they were both very adamant about no BI stuff. Simply one on one swapping with the opposite sex, so really, I KNOW. They are straight as can be, and just damn good people to boot. Oh, did the swap happen, well, I'm not one to gossip, and we'll leave it at that.
But you know, they DO have it rough, the celebrities. And they have no choice. They have to hook up, hard as it is to keep a relationship going in that star-studded, award show hopping, workaday world. They have to give it a shot and hook up, as we all do, because everybody NEEDS somebody. And most people find somebody, which is MORE amazing, if you think about it. I was watching the big dog show the other day on TV and the woman who judged the final, the "Best Of Show," well, no offense, but I thought she was a man, baby! I was like, "Are they in Scotland? Is that a kilt, or whatever?" Then I noticed she had a George Washington hairdo, and a puffy pirate shirt. Was there some type of Revolutionary War Transvestite theme going on? Last time I saw a shirt like that, Jerry Seinfeld had been tricked into wearing one by a 'low-talker.' But hey, more power to her, and she's obviously done well for herself. There she was on the TV. They don't just let any yahoo on TV, right? And especially around that many live animals, but...I thought, she's probably got somebody somewhere who loves her, and somebody kisses her and says, "I love you." I mean, you and I may look at ugly people kissing and go "Ewww," but those ugly people are looking at each other going, "Alright!" (Thanks to Garry Shandling for that bit.) Somebody kisses this woman. It may be her Pomeranian, but it's somebody, you know? Some THING that loves this person. Everybody needs somebody, and everyone likes to hear "I love you." Everyone can love somebody and be loved by somebody.
How many of the world's problems could be solved with a simple, "I love you." Think about how good it feels to hear those words from someone for the first time. When they just come up to you and say "I love you," or "I'm in love with you." It feels good, you blush a bit, kind of feel all goofy inside. Sure, it's not as good as someone saying, "I NEED to kiss you RIGHT now!" which is pretty damn good, but hey, it's pretty sweet, huh? And you know I've heard that NEED to kiss you line plenty of times...at the circus... but anyway...
Back to my point. Say you're a world leader and you are in a dispute with another country. You could go to war, sure, but what if, just what IF, you called the leader of the other country and said, you know, "I love you," or better yet, "I'm IN love with you,'" or even, the "I NEED to kiss you RIGHT now." Who KNOWS what could happen, right? It would at least be distracting for a bit, give you time to line up your troops on the border, or whatever.
So anyway, as another Valentine's Day has slipped by, don't think it's too late. Go grab someone, maybe even someone you don't even care for that much, pull them close, so they can feel your breath, look them in the eye and say it - I love you.
I'm telling you, anything can happen. On that note, let me just pull on out of here by saying, well, Hey YOU, yeah YOU! I love you.